Setting It Down By the River

NA MO O MI TO FO

 

You know the story of the young monk who was walking with his master. They came to a river, and there was no boat. They had to wade across, and a young woman asked for their assistance in getting across the river.

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The young monk refused, because there is a rule forbidding monks to touch a woman. But the old master picked the woman up and carried her across.

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A month went by, and the young monk couldn’t take it any more. “Master,” he asked, “Why did you carry that woman across the river, when you know that it is forbidden?”

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“Young monk” the master answered, “I only carried her for as long as it took to cross the river. You have been carrying her ever since.”

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Now we’ve all heard different versions of this story. Sometimes, the old master helps the woman into a boat, and sometimes years go by before the young monk confronts his master. There are lots of variations. But the moral is always clear.

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There are times when something wrong happens. There are times when things don’t go our way, or we are slighted in some manner. And in such instances, it can be counterproductive to carry those events with us. We must set them down by the river.

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This is part of letting go, part of being able to live in the here & now, not dwelling in the past or in the future. One teacher I’ve trained with calls it “returning to the room.” Others call it mindfulness.

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Recently I’ve had a brush with this myself. I won’t go into detail, because frankly it’s not worth it. But let’s say you’re snubbed in public by a habitually offensive co-worker, or unkind words are said about you by people you’d assumed were your friends. Hey, it happens. So there you are, young monk, standing by the river with a woman on your back.

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I know that you know what to do. If I said right now, “What do you do, young monk?” you would say to put the woman down by the river. But let’s back up. Who is the woman?

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Is she anger? Is she greed? Ignorance? Is she hurt feelings, bruised pride, a loss of esteem? She may be all of these things, and more. She may even be hate, or even worse. This woman – this thing on our back that should not be there – might be the kind of anger or hate that is motivated by a seething rage, something churning just below the surface. Something no one else knows about, something you don’t discuss with anyone. The person you know who said something stupid, just one too many times. That neighbor who needs a good ass kicking, and isn’t far away from getting one. The asshole who just rubs you the wrong way every time you run into him. And whenever he says something nasty, glances at you like you don’t belong, or does something in an attempt to make you feel petty and unwanted, like you're just someone to be trifled with, it’s there, stinging like hot water, waiting for an opportunity.

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Now, is it still that easy to set it down by the river, and walk away? Now that the woman has turned into something darker, more sinister, more emotional, can you still set it down? Zen Master Thich Nhat Hahn tells us to smile at our anger, the way a mother smiles at her baby. Is this something we can do?

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I can say this. Lately I’m much more like the young monk, carrying the woman in my mind, than like the wise old master. It’s becoming less and less easy to set these things down by the river. I’m not violent like I was some years ago; I like to think that I'm not still the dangerous man I was then, when I could crush facial bones with my right hook. But today, even after my time in the monasteries, my various trainings and a few years of meditation, have I reached that point at which I can simply take such a burden of grief and anger, and simply set it down by the river?

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It's a hopeful question, isn't it?

Comments

[Andy C]

I do believe I've found the right Tengu House! Consider yourself bookmarked, sir, this is a fine bit o' writing you've got going.

As to the subject matter, I recall the tale in my own readings and found it quite poignant. I'd like to consider myself more akin to the master in being nonchalant… at least on the surface.

In all honesty, however, I brood over troubling events or my own mistakes just as much as the next guy. It goes against the life I'm trying to lead, the example I'm trying to set for my son - to live a full life of no regrets.

Reading tales like this help to remind me of that path I chose. A hopeful question, indeed.

Excellent writing, I look forward to more! See ya in the dojo!

- That long-haired odd fellow from the Shudokan dojo!

[scruffysmileyface]

Hey Andy.
We're all carrying around excess guilt, regret and whatever else. I got into an ugly political discussion over the weekend with some friends, and it's still bothering me this morning. We all have things we need to set down by the river.

Look in the "Martial Arts Links" list on the right, and click on "Aiki-Kuzushi". That's my martial arts page (the part Sensei reads).

Thanks for the comment!
~J